The Kiss of Goodbye – Samantha Bee

I never thought I would make this video. Then again, I guess I never thought I would make any of these videos, right? I just couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to you. Without apologizing to you. Who knew dying would bring me someone who would become so important to me? You would think that the last two weeks would have been the very worst of my life, but I can’t say that. You didn’t just make them bearable, you made them enjoyable. I’m so fucking sorry I ended them with pushing you away. All of the little moments we were able to share. The ones that will forever be just for us. The jokes and cheesy pickup lines. The soft, barely there touches. The sweet words and just the way you were always there at my side. We didn’t have much time, we never really even had a chance, did we? But that didn’t stop you from being mine, at least for a little while. I don’t think I have ever connected with any other person as deep and as fast as we did. Every moment with you felt like one to be treasured. Even the moments where we disagreed.

It still surprises me just how much I enjoyed you pushing back against me at every turn. I don’t like when people argue with me but with you, it never felt like that. It always felt a hell of a lot like af ection. You only ever pushed back against what you thought was best for me. But it scared me. You scare me. I’d never admit it to your face, but I guess I can admit it here. Even if it hurts in more ways than one. You were right. I’ve spent so long taking care of the people around me, I started to feel as if my own needs weren’t important. You scare me because you make me realize just how right you are. You make me want more and I know deep down that I don’t have the time for more. I can’t give you answers to when it started. I know you wanted to push me to choose more for myself, but I can’t. Not now when I’m dying.

I don’t want to leave this world hurt or angry. And for the most part, I’m not either. I know you don’t fully understand it and that’s okay too. But I’m leaving this world with forgiveness in my heart, I don’t want to dredge up the pain I’ve long since buried. I know it isn’t the healthiest but what’s best for me no longer matters because I won’t be here for much longer. I can feel it, Liam. Fuck. I can feel it. I think you can see it too. This reprieve has been nice but it’s about to all come crashing down around us. I’m going to die. I really do hate it. Hate this feeling. Hate that I’m going to hurt so many people. Hate that I met you at a time when what is best for me doesn’t matter anymore.

I really think you could have been it for me. I think you could have helped me heal more than just my body. I think that maybe one day, I would have been able to give you the answers to your questions. I think you would have helped me find a new strength. I hope that I gave you half as much as you gave me. I don’t want to tell you not to forget me. To not let these two weeks mean nothing. To fade into nothing more than a fond memory. It would be too selfish. These two weeks were everything for me. The chance to maybe believe in love again. To wish for more than just being content. You gave me that. I want to give it back to you. Even if it isn’t with me.

When I’m gone, don’t search me out. Don’t look for me in the faces of your future patients. Don’t get stuck in our memories and get lost in the past. Move forward. Remember your passion that fuels you into the surgeon you are. Never stop chasing those miracles. Just because you couldn’t give me mine, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Doesn’t mean yours doesn’t. I’ll let you in on a secret though. You did give me my miracle. It may not have been the one you wanted, the one we both hoped for, but it’s one I cherish all the same. Dying doesn’t seem so scary when I close my eyes and picture your smile. I’m glad I got to meet you. You were my miracle, Liam. You wanted more for me, but you had already given it to me.

It was easy to imagine us outside of these four walls. Easy to picture us as more. Your words felt like snowflakes falling on my skin, magical, wondrous, just barely there and never meant to last. Just like us. Not meant to last. Miracles never are, are they? I don’t know what I did to deserve you in my life. You were more than I ever could have hoped for, dreamed of, and all the other cliches that fit. Seems like those cheesy lines have become our thing, huh? I wish we could have more. More things. More laughter. More time. I can’t give you that, so I’ll give you one last cheesy line. I’m so fucking sorry that I had to be your one. I really didn’t want to be. Not when I wanted to be the one.

I hope you find her. Wherever she is. I hope you get your miracle. I hope you tell her about me one day. I hope that our time together changed you for the better the way it did me. More than anything I hope this pushes you forward, pushes you to shine, please don’t let it drag you down. Hold on to this as my last kiss goodbye. Please forgive me. Chapter One “One more kiss, one more kiss,” I tease as I run my fingers through his long curly locks. Man, we really need to take him to get his hair cut. His curls are almost touching his jawline now. “Mommy.” His sweet giggles warm my heart and my chest squeezes with that familiar twinge of pain, not wanting to say goodbye. “You’re being silly.” My sweet boy continues to laugh.

I swing him up into my arms, dropping my coat as I rain kisses down on his cheeks and belly and his giggles turn into hysterical laughter. I giggle with him before dropping him back onto his own feet and kneeling down in front of him. “I’m just going to miss you, sweet boy,” I murmur as I push the hair out of his eyes. “I’m going to miss you too, Mommy,” he whispers, and his eyes begin to fill with tears. We never can quite make it through goodbye without a few tears. As he gets bigger, he makes a good show of trying to fight them back, but my boy is a sensitive soul. He feels emotions bigger than his little body can contain. It’s one of my favorite things about him. I kiss his forehead gently as tears begin to spill down his rosy cheeks. “I’ll come back, I promise.” “I know,” he murmurs before throwing his arms around my neck and giving me one last hug. “You always do.” He sniffles. “I always do,” I promise again. His grandma walks into the entryway as I wipe the tears from his cheeks.

“Come here, big boy,” she calls with a warm smile on her face. He sends one last longing look at me before going to her and letting her lift him into her arms. “Thank you for watching him, Diana,” I sigh, really not wanting to leave, even though I know I’m starting to cut it close with time. I always knew being a mom would be challenging, I just never expected how much it would hurt every time I had to leave my kid. “Of course.” She smiles at me, already soothing my boy with her mere presence. She’s just one of those women. Born to be a nurturer, she oozes comfort and the feeling of home. I’ve always looked up to her and admired the type of person and the type of mom she is. “Don’t let Jake put all the work on you while I’m gone,” I tease, but I’m being serious. She knows it too. Her son is not a bad person, but he hasn’t been a great dad. He’s made a lot of mistakes and Colton deserves an amazing father. I know Jake has the potential to be that for him. He just has to grow up a little bit more.

“It’s only two weeks, Vi. I promise I’ve got both the boys.” I laugh. “You say that like they’re the same age.” She smirks. “Aren’t they?” I can’t help but crack up. This woman is not someone to be messed with. She loves her kids, but she has no problem calling them out on their bullshit. It’s something she’s had to do more often than either of us would like to admit when it comes to Jake. At least both of his sisters seem to be going down very different paths from him. They both have good heads on their shoulders. She pulls me in for a quick hug and Colton sneaks in one more sloppy kiss on my cheek when she does. “I promise Colton and Jake will spend time together while you’re gone.” I squeeze her and tickle my boy’s belly before pulling away. “Thank you.

” I sigh, picking up my jacket off the floor and shrugging it on before grabbing my suitcase. “I probably won’t have much service,” I remind her, “but I’ll call when I can.” “Of course, dear. Now get out of here before you miss your flight.” She shoos me out the door as I blow kisses to Colton, his eyes filling with tears once more. “I love you both!” I call out one last time before climbing back into my car. I crank the heater and turn on the seat warmers, shivering as I do. Ugh, it gets way too cold here this time of year. At least I have tropical weather to look forward to for the next two weeks. I carefully back out of the drive and pull out onto the street. At least the weather report said it won’t start snowing until later. I hate driving in the snow. It always just freaks me out. The airport is just over an hour away, a drive I already hate, add snow? No, thank you. I wasn’t even supposed to have to drive myself today.

Jake had promised to drive me so I didn’t have to leave my car at the airport for two weeks. Obviously that didn’t work out. Like so many other times, he was a no show. A heavy exhaustion weighs me down as I pull on the highway. He called and said he was working late. After he was already an hour late to meeting us. I really hope he is just at work and not getting himself into any more trouble. He has a real knack for finding it, even without seeking it out. It’s a big part of the reason we are no longer together. I grew up, but he didn’t. Looking back, I don’t think our pieces ever matched up quite right. As we grew older, the differences just became more glaringly obvious. For Colton’s sake, we moved through our issues even if not as a couple. Though Jake would like to change that. It’s too little too late for me though.

Once you see the cracks in the framework, it’s hard to act like they aren’t there, your eyes are constantly drawn back to the imperfections. I love him but I can’t lie and say most of that isn’t only for Colton’s sake. I would have cut Jake off long before I did if it had just been me. It wasn’t though. Colton was a surprise, but he has become the light in my life. I think he may have even saved me. Jake and I were high school sweethearts. We knew each other for almost longer than I can remember. Everything about us seemed like a fairytale, once upon a time. Next door neighbors, best friends that grew up together. I moved across town and we lost touch for a little while, but we reconnected in middle school. When we did, it was like no time had passed and yet everything had changed all at the same time. I still remembered the gentle kid next door that taught me how to wish on a shooting star and stood up for me against the schoolyard bullies. The kid who kissed my bruises and held my hand while I cried. I remembered him, but I didn’t recognize the thirteen year old with sad eyes, a hardened exterior, and a mean streak.

He still held my hand, but it was a little tighter. He still stood up for me, but it didn’t stop there. He tore down anyone who he thought crossed a line. An invisible line that even now, looking back, I can’t figure out where it was. He had an air of casual cruelness that surrounded him, fed by the awe of our peers that acted like he could do no wrong. I saw under that though. Under the facade he put on for everyone else. I could still see all of who he could be. I guess that was my first mistake. Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential. I wanted everything we had as kids back. So did he. I pushed for us to be closer and he pushed everyone else away from me until my vision was filled with only him. Well, almost only him. There were people even he couldn’t separate me from.

People who held on just as tightly as he did. I love them for it, but it also created the illusion that everything was okay. Year by year went by and Jake and I were always an arm’s length from each other. Best friends who I once thought were the perfect balance. I pulled him back from the edge and he pushed me out of my comfort zone. Or that was how I justified it. Year by year we became a little bit more. A little closer. A little more dependent. A little more exclusive. No one could come between Jake and I. No girl, no guy, no friend, or crush. Jake made sure of it, and he did it damn well. At sixteen, my best friend became my boyfriend. Something about that label made him feel more secure.

Made him a bit more wild, a bit more reckless, a bit more cold to even me. And I gradually became more and more desperate for the closeness we once had. I let him lead me down a wild and dangerous path. In those moments, we loved fiercely and partied even more so. The sky was our limit and we tested boundaries every which way we could. Sometimes I’m amazed we even stayed alive to make it through graduation together, but we did. It was a recurring cycle of going too far to achieve the high of his love and affection, crashing and drowning in regrets as he pulled away from me once more. Then in the middle of our first year at college I found out I was pregnant. Surprisingly enough, we were both excited. Scared but excited. Neither one of us thought that we weren’t ready for it. I stopped smoking and drinking, Jake didn’t. I buckled down in school and chose a career carefully, Jake didn’t. I gave up the friends who only wanted to party and kept only the ones who wanted to love and support me in my new adventure. Jake didn’t.

I grew up and became a parent. Jake didn’t. I could no longer chase the highs with him where the love we did have flourished and he refused to settle down and love me in just the here and now. Every drunken fight, every missed phone call, every photo on instagram of him high and surrounded by girls, chipped away at my heart. I kept thinking things would change, but they didn’t. When he missed my first ultrasound and I found out there might be something wrong with the baby’s heart alone, I cried so hard I couldn’t drive. His parents, Diana and Jason, had to come pick me up. He was in the drunk tank, held overnight for public intoxication. I cried even harder when they told me. I shake myself off and turn on some upbeat music. There’s no sense dwelling in the past. Jake has steadily been becoming more reliable. He tries to be a good dad even if he’s a little lazy about it and I’m sure one day he will make a good partner for somebody else. I just know that it won’t be me. I can’t get caught back up in the cycle we always seem to revert to.

I get lost in the music, singing to the lyrics as I push all the negative thoughts out of my head. This is the first vacation I have taken in the last four years and I am determined to enjoy it. My best friend is getting married and we are spending two weeks in paradise leading up to it.


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Updated: 10 June 2021 — 18:11

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